Please explain a humanist funeral so as to appease a large family of “Christians,” most Catholic. How do I explain my funeral to my children, grandchildren, friends and family? Your help is appreciated.
Dear Friend,
You are very wise to be thinking about this question now. Your friends and family will have a better chance of adjusting to your plans if they aren’t taken by surprise, especially a stressful time when surprises are harder to handle. I hope they can appreciate your thoughtfulness, and that your choice of the word “appease” doesn’t mean that there are people who would give you a hard time. I might be taking it too literally, and I’ll begin by assuming that you simply meant you want to help your family understand.
The structure of most humanist funerals is close enough to the structure of religious funerals to be comfortably familiar for people of faith. Both usually include music, a chance for family and friends to reminisce about the person they’ve lost, and often, inspiration readings. There may be people among your family and friends who would be happy to help you choose appropriate music and readings, and even to perform them at your funeral. If so, involving them can help make the gathering comforting and meaningful.
There is more than one purpose to a memorial gathering: it can be a time for the deceased to say farewell to loved ones, perhaps by writing a letter to be read aloud. It’s a time for the living to grieve, and to give each other emotional support. It’s a time for sharing treasured memories. And yes, for some it is a time to pray for the deceased. By planning an event that fulfills the other purposes of a memorial gathering, you can make it easier for those people to cope with the omission of prayers.
In her article about planning humanist funerals, Margaret Nelson comments, “Your funeral may be about you, but it’s not for you; it’s for those who’ll mourn you.” With that thought in mind, you might want to make arrangements for some people to gather in prayer after the “official” ceremony is over. You know your family best: Don’t suggest such an arrangement if it will only cause hard feelings. But if it will help, maybe you can ask someone close to you to handle the details…”
When you are satisfied with the plans you have made, explain to family members in your own words that you are trying to create a ceremony that expresses who you really are, so that they can carry away a genuine memory of the person they love.
American Humanist Association, HumanistNetworkNews.org
