Recently I got an interesting request. A man wanted me to meet with him and his two sisters in my office. He had been diagnosed with a fatal illness and was soon to go into hospice care. What he wanted from me was an open and frank discussion of his beliefs and his final wishes in the presence of his sisters. He knew they were Christian to the core and would want a Christian funeral. So, he sat down in and drew up a humanist memorial service instead.
After the man had died, the two sisters honored his wishes, despite their reservations. It was a beautiful memorial service.
That’s the takeaway for Celebrants: plan if you can. Punt if you must. Comfort. Console. Assess. We humanists are a small and misunderstood group, misunderstood often even by those we love. The death process can be daunting for all involved. The humanist Celebrant can make this final journey much easier: go into the situation with compassion…and a plan.
Dear Sweet Reason,
Please explain a humanist funeral so as to appease a large family of “Christians,” most Catholic. How do I explain my funeral to my children, grandchildren, friends and family? Your help is appreciated.
Dear Friend,
You are very wise to be thinking about this question now. Your friends and family will have a better chance of adjusting to your plans if they aren’t taken by surprise, especially a stressful time when surprises are harder to handle. I hope they can appreciate your thoughtfulness, and that your choice of the word “appease” doesn’t mean that there are people who would give you a hard time. I might be taking it too literally, and I’ll begin by assuming that you simply meant you want to help your family understand.
The structure of most humanist funerals is close enough to the structure of religious funerals to be comfortably familiar for people of faith. Both usually include music, a chance for family and friends to reminisce about the person they’ve lost, and often, inspiration readings. There may be people among your family and friends who would be happy to help you choose appropriate music and readings, and even to perform them at your funeral. If so, involving them can help make the gathering comforting and meaningful.
There is more than one purpose to a memorial gathering: it can be a time for the deceased to say farewell to loved ones, perhaps by writing a letter to be read aloud. It’s a time for the living to grieve, and to give each other emotional support. It’s a time for sharing treasured memories. And yes, for some it is a time to pray for the deceased. By planning an event that fulfills the other purposes of a memorial gathering, you can make it easier for those people to cope with the omission of prayers.
In her article about planning humanist funerals, Margaret Nelson comments, “Your funeral may be about you, but it’s not for you; it’s for those who’ll mourn you.” With that thought in mind, you might want to make arrangements for some people to gather in prayer after the “official” ceremony is over. You know your family best: Don’t suggest such an arrangement if it will only cause hard feelings. But if it will help, maybe you can ask someone close to you to handle the details…”
When you are satisfied with the plans you have made, explain to family members in your own words that you are trying to create a ceremony that expresses who you really are, so that they can carry away a genuine memory of the person they love.
American Humanist Association, HumanistNetworkNews.org
36 Unique Memorial Service Ideas
Memorial services can vary in style, tone, and content just as widely as the unique personalities of the individuals being memorialized. As more and more families choose to modify or entirely steer clear of “traditional” services, the options for celebrating the life of a loved one multiple to accommodate the preferences of the of the family or decedent.
Since the options for memorial service ideas are nearly limitless, it can actually be somewhat daunting to plan and pull off a memorial. Whether it be a culturally “traditional” service, a “life celebration” party, or something in-between, the abundance of choices and the lessening of a widely accepted standard increases the pressure on choosing the right elements to include. 34 Unique Memorial Service Ideas is an array of memorial service ideas for cremation or burial which will hopefully be assistance in planning the perfect life celebration, funeral, or memorial service. Suggestions include everything from flowers, to scholarship funds, photos, themes, slideshows, poems, scattering and much more.
Urns Online: Information on cremation urns, final arrangements, and more
Popular Secular Memorial Service Songs
-
- All You Need is Love (The Beatles)
- Amazing Grace (Judy Collins)
- Blowin’ In The Wind (Bob Dylan)
- Bright Sunshiny Day (I Can See Clearly Now) (Jimmy Cliff
- Candle in the Wind (Elton John)
- A Day Without Rain (Enya)
- Fire and Rain (James Taylor)
- Good Day Sunshine (The Beatles)
- I’ll be seeing you (Frank Sinatra)
- I Will Always Love You (Whitney Houston)
- Many Rivers to Cross (Jimmy Cliff)
- Morning Has Broken (Cat Stevens)
- The Rose (Bette Midler)
- Someone to Watch Over Me (Barbara Streisand)
- Sounds of Silence (Simon & Garfunkel)
- Spring Will Be A Little Late This Year (Ella Fitzgerald)
- They Can’t Take That Away from Me (Ella Fitzgerald)
- What a Wonderful World (Louis Armstrong)
- Wind Beneath My Wings (Bette Midler)
Pat McNess: Writer, editor, ghostwriter, personal historian
