Letting Go: Divorce

Humanist Family Life Ceremonies Rites of Passage Letting Go: Divorce

When asked by a 6 year old, “What is divorce?” an eleven year old, with equanimity and clarity, said, “It’s getting unmarried.” Divorce at base is an indication of the changing needs of individuals and the reshaping of a family. Once outlawed, then frowned upon, it has become a common part of modern life with far reaching impacts we’re still discovering. Humans don’t have to break one another when their relationships change. How can people resolve transitions constructively? How can couples uncouple safely? How can mutual care for children change shape, instead of being abandoned?

Creating life changes without intentional harm and destructive judgment proves to be a challenge. Throughout the process, parents and other supportive adults must listen to children and respect their experience. When children are involved, and when new partnering is involved, there are lots of big feelings for which to hold space. Fostering transitional structures and attitudes is so important. The fallout of change can get very complicated.

At sore moments of change, when we hurt, self-empathy is essential. It is the key inwards toward understanding your own needs, and eventually it is also the key outwards on the complex path towards understanding others, toward empathy itself. The work of self-empathy can be well guided through many therapies and the tools of Compassionate Communication developed by Marshall Rosenberg. An excellent exercise in self empathy called Metta-meditation is demonstrated and guided in a TED Talk by Jillian Pransky, which can be practiced over and over across one’s life and relationships.

Divorce can also be acknowledged in a family ceremony that you create together. An example can be found in the television show “Judging Amy” in which a family court judge officiates a divorce ceremony for a couple who wants to reassure their daughter that the end of their marriage does not change their unconditional love for their child (December 2001, season 3, episode 10).

Acknowledge divorce as grieving the change of a significant relationship and way of living for everyone. Divorce ceremonies can be a way to transition from one way of being to another – embracing new households, neighborhoods, communities, and traditions. There are various examples of divorce ceremonies online that encompass much of what you have already in this course – thinking about who comes, how to frame it, is it with the ex or without? How to include children? Here’s a divorce ceremony guide you can explore.

For parents, weekends without their kids can be lonely and freeing. For kids, weekends with the parent that moved out can be different. Self-care practices are critical at this time. Poetry can be very helpful, especially for adults navigating difficult emotions and changing parental roles. This poem about fathers experiencing divorce is a good example. They address both the challenges and unexpected joys. Consider finding and collecting poems that resonate with your experiences.

"Divorced Fathers and Pizza Crusts" by Mark Halliday, from Jab. © University of Chicago Press, 2002.

The connection between divorced fathers and pizza crusts
is understandable. The divorced father does not cook
confidently. He wants his kid to enjoy dinner.
The entire weekend is supposed to be fun. Kids love
pizza. For some reason involving soft warmth and malleability

kids approve of melted cheese on pizza
years before they will tolerate cheese in other situations.
So the divorced father takes the kid and the kid's friend
out for pizza. The kids eat much faster than the dad.
Before the dad has finished his second slice,

the kids are playing a video game or being Ace Ventura
or blowing spitballs through straws, making this hail
that can't quite be cleaned up. There are four slices left
and the divorced father doesn't want them wasted,
there has been enough waste already; he sits there

in his windbreaker finishing the pizza. It's good
except the crust is actually not so great—
after the second slice the crust is basically a chore—
so you leave it. You move on the next loaded slice.
Finally there you are amid rims of crust.

All this is understandable. There's no dark conspiracy.
Meanwhile the kids are having a pretty good time
which is the whole point. So the entire evening makes
clear sense. Now the divorced father gathers
the sauce-stained napkins for the trash and dumps them

and dumps the rims of crust which are not
corpses on a battlefield. Understandability
fills the pizza shop so thoroughly there's no room
for anything else. Now he's at the door summoning the kids
and they follow, of course they do, he's a dad.

Resources for Children

Sesame Street Workshop: Resources on Divorce

I’m a Child of Divorce

14 Books That Brilliantly Explain Divorce to Kids

Divorce is the Worst

Why Can’t We Live Together

Resources for Parents

Uncoupling

Raising Children: Separation & Divorce

Hello Divorce: Resources for Life After Divorce

How to Manage the Big Emotions of Divorce and Stay Calm

Supporting Kids During a Divorce