What clothing we wear, what hair style we choose, what nicknames we embrace, what pronouns we identify with, what music we listen to, and with whom we choose to be friends are all reflections of the inner exploration of becoming and the outer work of social identity. Choicefulness is born in the changing human being, and strives for individuation and liberation. How do parents and children navigate the gentle balance of control and self-control, exploration and commitment? Guiding adults can usher in the future of their children, but they cannot control it, and they must not oppress it. Changes of growing up are, like pimples, not always appealing. On the other hand, seemingly helpful advice can come across as judgmental opinion, which is certainly not welcome. This is delicate terrain. A seasonal shopping for clothing can become a delicate process rife with self-judgment as youth bodies are in flux and genders are being explored. A parent of a teen may find a gentle balance in saying to themselves: “While I am still responsible for your welfare, you are taking charge of your being, and you will be changing your whole life long.”
Friendships and relationships can be forms of self-expression. Little Blue and Little Yellow is an insightful children’s book in which colored dots befriend one another, and thereby, literally change each other’s color. The author Leo Lioni provides an apt metaphor for the challenge of family acceptance that can arise when children and youth declare loving friendships. In the story, once “greened” by the friendship with Little Blue, Little Yellow is not even recognizable to their own parents. Indeed, there are echoes of Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Julliet,” because in the great human epic of life, people want to be honored for the self expression of the choices they make, including the people they choose to befriend and love. Families may wish to create monthly opportunities for new friendships at the family dinner table. Making a casual portal like this conveys an underlying value of openness, and inclusivity, that welcomes family members to share their interests with each other.
A significant revolution in gender identity has given pronouns new range and significance. International Pronouns Day, on the 3rd Wednesday of October, offers structured support for dialogue and connection around pronoun choices. As one parent says, “My daughter lives for the They pronoun. It’s everything to her/them. I have to learn how to use it!” The website for Pronouns Day (www.pronounsday.org) declares: “Referring to people by the pronouns they determine for themselves is basic to human dignity. Being referred to by the wrong pronouns particularly affects transgender and gender nonconforming people. Together, we can transform society to celebrate people’s multiple, intersecting identities.” International Pronoun Day can become the framework for family discussion and development.
Whatever identities emerge amongst those we love, may we witness with wonder and stand up for them in their worlds. One of the great potentialities of social identity transformation can be Coming Out. These events of LGBTQ identity (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer) can be welcomed as ethically minded celebrations, instead of a fraught emergence from the proverbial closet as they have been for past generations. Families may choose to be mindfully responsive to youth sharing fragile emerging identities. All children need to be affirmed in knowing they are unconditionally welcomed to be themselves, and families can evolve tremendously through such expereinces. The value of each person’s unique worth, our own included, is underscored in these experiences. New courage may need to be summoned by all, and deep unexamined prejudices may raise their ugly heads, needing to be healed. With a willingness to learn and grow for the sake of love and justice, we make the world a better place. Just as it is important for youth to know they are not alone, it is important for families to know, too. There are plenty of support networks and tons of guidance to discover.
Books
Parenting Beyond Belief by Dale McGowen
Sex is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg
10 Puberty Books That Your Kids Will Actually Enjoy
6 Books to Help Your Toddler Say Goodbye to the Pacifier
Movies
75 Top Growth Mindset Movies & Videos for Children
25 Best Family Movies for Teaching Honesty, Grit, Courage & More
Common Sense Media
From high-quality media recommendations to internet access for all learners, Common Sense Media makes media and technology safer, healthier, and more equitable for kids everywhere. Issues stand for:
