After the above and important paperwork is in hand, the next thing is to return focus on the dying person and the loved ones around you. Remember: comfort and console. Does anyone look particularly agitated?
Might there be a reading that would help? I always have a book of poetry close by when I visit people who are dying.
Check out your own feeling. How stress are you? Can you articulate to yourself the reason for the stress? Sure, it’s hard to deal with mortality. Yet, to repeat, it is a natural part of living. Where is the stress–or perhaps anxiety–coming from? Take a breath!
Loved ones may be experience pre-grief, also called anticipatory grief. That is, many people imagine the dying person as already dead and “try on” the feelings that they anticipate they will have. This is a natural human response, of course, but naming the phenomenon and talking about it can help people immensely. Mention the naturalness of death. Mention the naturalness of grief. Then point out that now, in this moment, the loved one is not dead. Instead of exploring pre-grief, are there things that need to be discussed? What do you really, really want to say before you part?
Over-exercised pre-grieving can lead to the paradoxical response of “I’m so happy that’s over!” after a loved one dies. This response often leads to quilt for having had the response. This cycle can be avoided or lessened by a frank discussion of what pre-grief is and the gentle suggestion that living in the moment is often our best method for keeping our psyches in healthy working order.
Again, Celebrants do well to focus on just how natural all these rampant emotions are. We hope to defuse the bad and accentuate the good.
Remember that many people have never watched a death. Loved ones may feel very awkward. Do what you can to normalize the situation. Perhaps suggest holding the dying person’s hand or talking with the dying person, even if he or she is unresponsive.
Stages of Grief
Denial -As the reality of loss is hard to face, one of the first reactions to follow the loss is Denial. What this means is that the person is trying to shut out the reality or magnitude of his/her situation, and begins to develop a false, preferable reality.
Anger -“Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; “Who is to blame?” Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feels of rage and envy.
Bargaining -“I’ll do anything for a few more years”; “I will give my life savings if…” The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow undo or avoid a cause of grief.
Depression -“I’m sad, why bother with anything?”; “I’m going to die soon so what’s the point?; “I missed my loved one, why go on?” During the fourth stage, the grieving person begins to understand the certainty of death. Much like the existential concept of The Void, the idea of living becomes pointless.
Acceptance -“It’s going to be okay”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it” In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality or inevitable future, or that a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person’s situation.
Kubler-Ross model Wikipedia